Our Bodies Keep the Score

It was not until I read Bessel Van Der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score that I began to consciously make some of the connections that had been swirling in my head for years. Van Der Kolk makes the clinical and scientific case that our bodies and our brains are deeply altered by trauma. He goes as far as suggesting that childhood trauma “is “arguably the greatest threat to our national well-being,” an assessment I’ve come to agree with.

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De-Dragonings and Nonsense Questions

A few years ago, when I was having a particularly rough time, a friend of mine — who has often seemed more like a guide — spoke to me in a parable. Come to think of it, he didn’t actually tell me the parable; he simply suggested that I might benefit from tracking down and reading some of C.S. Lewis’s The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. I set out to find the book at a library. Upon finding the book, I glanced through it until I found the part during which one of the book’s main characters — a boy named Eustace — wandered off from his siblings. Alone, he encountered a dying dragon. He got a thrill out of seeing how close he could get to the dragon, even touching it. He had, after all, “read only the wrong books.” As such, he drank from the dragon’s pool of water; he played with the dragon’s treasure, and he tried on the dragon’s jewelry. Eventually, he fell asleep in the dragon’s cave.

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The Biggest Regret from my Twenties

“Don’t ever let anyone ever say to you, ‘You shouldn’t regret anything.’ Don’t do that, don’t! You regret what you fucking want! And use that, use that, use that regret for anything, any way you want.” -Earl in Magnolia 

I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
U2, “I Still Haven’t found What I’m Looking For” 

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Salon Published an Essay of Mine

I have an essay up at Salon. It is about as personal an essay as I could write. To those friends of mine — particularly current classmates of mine — who learn about this for the first time by reading this, I regret that we didn’t have a conversation first.

Here is a taste:

“Shane and I developed a classic dependency: the perpetually-broken-and-in-need-of-fixing person finds and latches onto the perpetually-willing-to-fix-other-people person. These systems are always a bit of a façade, of course, which is to say that Shane was no less capable than I was, and I was no less broken than he was. But as flawed as our arrangement was, the roles we played genuinely reflected what we believed about ourselves.”

To read the whole essay, go here.